The Australian Medicine Dictionary

3 Apr 2011

Doctors across the world can thank Dr Adam Fox, a specialist registrar at a London hospital, for spending four years to compile a list of the inventive language used by medical professionals to insult their patients and each other.

Among the British gems were terms such as FLK (Funny looking kid), LOBNH (Lights On But Nobody Home), CNS-QNS (Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient), and pumpkin positive – for a patient with a brain so small that shining a penlight into their mouth would light up the whole head.

Rheumatology became rheumaholiday, psychiatrists were referred to as the Freud Squad, and anaesthetists and general surgeons became Gassers and Slashers. You can read the BBC article here http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/3159813.stm

Not to be outdone, here at Australian Medicine we present a list of Australian definitions of common medical terms. Your suggestions are welcome.

 

Artery.............................. The study of paintings

Bacteria........................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium............................  What doctors do when patients die

Benign............................  What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section........  A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan........................  Searching for Kitty

Cauterize........................ Made eye contact with her

Colic...............................  A sheep dog

Coma.............................   A punctuation mark

Dilate.............................. To live long

Enema............................ Not a friend

Fester............................  Quicker than someone else

Fibula............................   A small lie

Impotent......................... Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane

Morbid...........................  A higher offer

Nitrates.........................   Cheaper than day rates

Node.............................   I knew it

Outpatient.....................   A person who has fainted

Pelvis...........................    Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative..............   A letter carrier

Recovery Room............   Place to do upholstery

Rectum.........................   Nearly killed him

Secretion......................   Hiding something

Seizure........................    Roman emperor

Tablet...........................   A small table

Terminal Illness............   Getting sick at the airport

Tumour..........................  One plus one more

Urine.............................   Opposite of you're out